The following is the first post in this thread on Hatrack started by dantesparadigm

I recently had an epiphany. In the midst of the rigors of AP us history, I realized that the one repeating feature of the great men in history is that they are all gloriously bewhiskered. The Civil War being the prime example, men rose through the ranks based on the relative magnificence of their cookie dusters, Stonewall Jackson, Lee, and Longstreet all had preeminent soup strainers, and the Union tried unsuccessfully to imitate their tactics with McClellan, Meade, and Burnside, eventually leading to their finding a suitable leader in Ulysses S. Grant and his beard, Doctor Fuzzenstein. The magnificent facial hair of the time led to the bloody war of attrition, neither side had the ferrat-tude to win through to full victory.

The great victors of the twentieth century also had their nose neighbors. Hitler and Stalin subverted massive populations and conquered vast tracts of land thanks to their mustaches of authority. Fidel Castro, Mr. Tickles, and his small guerilla army of 300 men managed to defeat clean shaven Batista’s 10,000 troops and seize control of Cuba. How? The answer lies in the beard.

This leads to an obvious conclusion about the lack of success in Iraq. How can we hope to succeed when tens of thousands of our clean-shaven men at arms are being hurled into the midst of the most bewhiskered population on Earth? How can General Abazaid Compete with Osama Bin-Laden

We need to send the United States government a message, this war cannot be won through strength of arms alone, we need to draft ZZ Top, and put them in command of our fighting men and women, or else we’re surely doomed.

Some final evidence.

Genghis Khan? Beard

Satan? Beard

Gandalf? Beard

Think about it.

— dantesparadigm

Go here to read the rest of the thread and reply with the funny.

Brilliance, I tell you. Brilliance!